Breathe. Waking up late after missing my last minute alarm, I rush to get my clothes on as I fumble to put on deodorant. Grab keys, quick kiss goodbye, I rush to the car only to find traffic. UGH. Get to work thirty minutes late, I have already trampled my morning routine. Have to get my coffee thirty minutes late, therefore, getting my water thirty minutes late, disrupting my regular bathroom break time. My palms begin to sweat as I am rushing through to get the first batch of my work done, staring at the unanswered text on my phone that seems to be screaming at me. A rising sensation of nervousness captures my chest, and threatens regular respiratory functions. Knowing that I have to cut my lunch in half in order to go to school early to speak with an advisor; I forgot my lunch. Double UGH… Double gasp.

I have stated before that I am a creature of routine, of habit. When this routine is rudely interrupted, there is a feeling of desperation. Miss Little Voice in my head starts to query, “there most be some force against me today”, “You can’t handle this”. After taking a five minute breather and regaining control of my cognitive processes, I can logically say that Miss Little Voice is wrong. I shouldn’t rely on my boyfriend’s last minute alarm; I’ve just been too lazy to input it on my own phone. The work will still be there, and with the lack of work there will be plenty of time to complete it. Really? A thirty-minute difference for water, coffee, and bathroom breaks? What is wrong with me? For the lunch, I can easily ask one of my co-workers to bring me something back. I KNOW it will be ok, that these are minute interruptions in my self imposed routine. These experiences have gotten fewer in between, for I have learned to manage and regain control more efficiently of these panicked feelings. Anxiety still manages to creep upon me from time to time, creating a chaotic and helpless feeling. Thoughts rush back and forth at such speeds I cannot compute or keep track of them myself. *sigh* Anxiety. It blows.

Waking up from an absurd dream this morning has set the mood for an absurd day. Still feeling as if I am in some sort of dream state, my feet reluctantly made their way into the office this morning. As I sat down, thinking about how horrifically far away the coffee machine is from me. My usually overly energetic coworker crouched over to whisper into my ear, “S- has a heart murmur. She is going to a specialist tomorrow, her doctor was very concerned.” My jaw drops as my mind starts to analyze the last two weeks of S- being overly tired, emotional, and down. Anxiously I awaited her arrival, to only hear the news confirmed. Already plagued with high blood pressure, she starts to relive the past three weekends adding headaches and anxiety to her list of symptoms. I tell her, “Maybe you are doing too much, and it catching up to you…. Maybe you just have too much on your plate… Maybe it’s the medication….. Maybe its lack of sleep….. Maybe its stress”………I pray. She has been a mom superwoman to me ever since I met her. A mother to five, a grandmother, fulltime worker, part time student, gracious friend,  and faithful wife there is never a dull moment. Her management skills are unparalleled. I pray God will grant her a break sometime soon, for if there was ever someone who deserved it, I can confidently say it would be her.

Suddenly, I am outraged.  As if having to take her son into surgery tomorrow morning wasn’t enough, her husband’s struggling business, her child’s behavorial problems.  It never mattered how little sleep I obtained, I could always count on her receiving less due to laundry, sick child, being a helpful friend, or homework.  She never complains; optimism excudes from her pores.  I am better with her as my cube buddy, friend.   I hate that there is nothing that I can do, take away, or lift off of her defeated shoulders.  I can only wait with her, till tomorrow’s appointment.  I can only make her smile and her life a little easier eight hours out of the day.  I hope that will be enough.