As mentioned in the blog prior I do my best not to let my everyday struggles turn into everyday excuses for not being up to par. I received a “starter” package from the ADDA organization for ADHD adults, including a sort of conference call audio. People were calling into a queue with questions regarding their ADHD; one was a lady who was a nurse. She was complaining that she might lose her job for multitude of reasons; I felt for her yet I only heard excuses. If you find yourself getting to work late on a regular basis due to your dawdling, lack of motivation, or forgetfulness start earlier. I know that I am very prone to daydreaming when listening to certain music in the car, so I don’t. I listen to rap (which some people find odd) but I know that this helps from experimenting. Too often people use their diagnosis as a way to receive special treatment. Growing up, anything below a C was still failing to my parents, even though I did have trouble with the material. My chores still had to be completed before I left in the morning, regardless of the fact that I am subject to distraction. By letting these struggles or diagnosis make excuses you are allowing them to control you, inhibiting the chance for progress. There is always an alternate way to reach a similar goal.

Categorizing characteristics into a diagnosis takes time, many questions, and research. There are still some out there how are not convinced however (such as @thisisrobv), that ADHD exists, and is an accurate diagnosis. After many, MANY conversations with my boyfriend about the diagnosis itself, I am coming to terms with the fact that he does not acknowledge this as a legitimate disorder. He does acknowledge the “symptoms”, struggles, and massive frustration but they do not account for a diagnosis in his opinion based upon the speculative process of diagnosing.

This was really upsetting me, I felt stripped of a lifetime struggle to understand a part of myself. Using recognition and visibility as a means to solve or confront an issue has been a vital step in my problem solving processes. I must be able to see it, put a name on it and then research everything I possible can on the subject. He does not see me as a disorder, for which I am very grateful, and I have never seen myself as such. I believe this is due to the fact that I did not get diagnosed till my early twenties. Growing up without that label allowed me to find other ways to accomplish my goals and what was required of me. After time though I decided to pursue help in order to reach my “full potential”. Why is this label so important to me though? Why do I feel so strongly in defining myself by the DSM-IV now?

By taking all of these struggles, “defects”, traits that are relative to the ADHD umbrella I can separate myself from the things I find undesirable. The negative connotations that come with ADHD can be harmful, even the traits themselves set you apart from others at a younger age before diagnosis. I remember my best friend, Stac, giggling at me in Theatre Arts class asking me why I have a dazed look on my face and a quirky telling smile. The same smile I had on last night when my boyfriend asked what I was smiling at as I gazed into the space in between me and my computer. Daydreaming has always been the hardest struggle for me to deal with; it is so involuntary that next thing you know an hour as gone by, you’ve arrived at work, or it’s the end of a lecture. This of course is just an example; however, it is easier to blame it on ADHD. The one thing I have never done is used it as an excuse. I do not believe in doing so. You are only hurting yourself while preventing real success. It also may not be entirely healthy to blame something upon a disorder, but if it helps me to put a name to the face so to speak I will continue to do so. I more than anyone else, just as you, know how my brain works. I have had years of practice in trickery of the cognitive processes in order to function. This label is just that for me.

There may be no such thing as ADHD; it could be something that the medical industry has made up for the prescription drugs industry to make more millions. Or it could be a valid condition; science just hasn’t been able to produce the gene in which it is carried. Either way, believe what you will and what works for you. In my eyes neither way is wrong, so much as having the respect for those with struggles. Everyone has something they have a hard time with other’s are just more visible.

With my new focus intact, I decided to do a little refresher and research on ADHD. As I was scrolling through articles, I noticed many of them entitled, “Women and ADHD”. I picked a couple and started skimming (I have a hard time reading word for word). The more and more I read, I saw the repeated statistic that eighty percent of the ADHD population is male, and it affects women very differently. I also found out that Howie Mandel is an ADHD advocate and diagnosee, but that is beside the point. Intrigued, I tried to research more, but I have been finding a lack of in depth information to be found on ADHD in general, other than the regular known facts.

It is common knowledge that the ADHD inflicted tend to be creative, intelligent, and sensitive. Take these hyper traits and put them into an already emotional, creative woman and it may wreak some havoc. One the problems or disadvantages I was surprised to find was women with ADHD have worsened PMS symptoms and are more likely to develop hormonal problems. Battling hormonal issues myself lately, and hitting close to home, I ponder once again why this isn’t information more readily available or publicized. On top of the problems ADHD already creates, women have the unfortunate circumstance to battle the monthly Aunt Flo. One of the repeated remedies or helpful tips I did find is taking time out of your day. When your creativity does not have an outlet, it gets bottled up and may come out in other undesirable ways. During this time of hormonal dysfunction it is a time to sit back and logically regain focus upon you and what is important. Having an hour to daydream, think, space out, or just “be” is a vital time to allow your mind to relax. It needs rest and the ability to roam freely, instead of constantly fighting urges to stay upon task. It also will allow emotional rest, and to let out your emotional frustration.

Being born without the competitive spirit left me somewhat complacent. Competition does not motivate me to strive harder; I carry no desire to be better than, or outdo peers. I have always been a content soul with only the desire to please my loved ones, or people I look up to. This can be tricky if your goal is only self-beneficial, because you have the tendency to be lazy or procrastinate, no matter how impertinent. We can argue that by bettering ourselves we inadvertently better those surrounding us, however, this takes time to see these results and I need instant gratification, acknowledgement.

Deadlines have been my lifesaver, lists with deadlines, setting dates. Routine is very important for the ADHD inflicted, by implementing a time in my morning to make a list of three things I need to accomplish today (primarily I try to make these things only self beneficial). Being able to check off my list at the end of the day creates the sensation of accomplishment, no matter how small. Many things on my list are as simple as setting an appointment, taking something to a store, or just picking something up. Thus, I have a created a means to complete simple tasks that I normally procrastinate on till too late. Learning what motivates you is an essential part of learning how to deal with ADHD, by doing so you are able to actively “trick” your mind into doing, accomplishing, and processing the jobs/tasks that are necessary. For me, this includes the smallest of tasks, staying focused enough to make a check on my list is motivation for completion.

I have been in pursuit of a focus for this blog. In an attempt to shape this into a more topical blog of sorts, I will be revamping my writing. I pondered last night over the gracious bottle of wine Robert bought me at wine night, on what I know or could write about. I know a lot of little things about a lot of little topics, so this was a long pondering. Finally, after bringing up my ADHD, Robert suggested writing a blog about focus and everything that it encompasses. Since this is such a huge part of my life, I deemed it appropriate. There will still be random posts of personal experiences; I just can’t help myself. Thank you for being patient through my experimental writing prior, and let me know your thoughts.

Not much to dispose other than my new lovely list making site, given to me via Amy (Fragmentarie’ s Blog).  www.Listography.com/roslanche  List making has always been a passion, I have five apps on my Iphone just for making different types of lists.   They are just so functional, efficent, and an easy time killer.  I love this because it keeps in one place, and you can just send the link to friends and family if need be.  FABULOUS! 

By the way, I am still waiting upon a rebuttal on my last post from the elusive ThisIsRobV.  I have yet to recieve however, intimidated?

Work, school, clean, homework, side projects, family, friends, boyfriend, bills….. It is so easy to fall into the trap of focusing so much on making the time to do these things, on the goals and what is to be done tomorrow. I am very susceptible to this line of thinking; today brought the revelation that I have fallen into this trap these past two weeks…. Or longer. Routine has always been my best friend, one of which is to drag myself into work and go through the Iphone. Mail… check….Twitter… check. Wait. Rummaging through twitters and randomly picking links this morning’ I stumbled across one tweeted by @gwenbell. Her reference to callmejeffrey.com’s recent post sliced through me as I read about taking the time to live in the moment, to focus on loved ones. My last goal on the post, “The Bashful First Post”, was to live in the present; which I have been failing miserably at lately. I am an obsessive-compulsive by nature, letting my mind roam and ponder things that are out of my control. It is a necessary struggle for me to stop and smell the roses. I have been focusing so much on goals, and what needs to be done; creating an unaware, self indulged psyche. Living in my own little world of to-do lists, neglecting the present moments, I misplaced the fact that time will always be there. Managing time wisely and separating task and mind whereabouts will allow freedom within structure. In an effort to correct/redirect these thought processes I shall adopt Gwen Bell’s (Blog located in blogroll) adopted idea of writing down three things to do a day, then setting out to do those things. After these items have been accomplished, STOP! Enjoy right now.

As I was sitting outside on my patio, smoking my last cig before the beau arrives, when I realized all of my furniture was piled up on top of each other (except the chair I was sitting on of course).  Remembering they painted the outside walls in a very much needed attempt to beautify my apartment, I marveled at how it took me a whole cig to recognize the new pattern of which my old patio furniture sits.   I wondered how long it had been that way; which day had they intruded my apartment for access?  I haven’t been on my patio in some time since I have cut down on smoking and rarely go out there, but felt the need after some irritation. I had starved myself for the past two hours waiting to have dinner with partial family (mom and bro) only to be cancelled on at the last minute. So I started on my way to Taco Cabana only to change my mind halfway for Whataburger and headed in the opposite direction.  So I sat there gorged with a number four feeling somewhat confused, as if I had encountered a peeking tom.   Your home is your haven, the place your work for and inhibit for most of your time.  The walls display your favorite pictures, paintings, and choice of color that you spent (or didn’t) time on arranging.  Then my mind jumped a step and pondered, “I wonder what those intruding, painter men thought of my patio furniture”.  Were they appalled by the dirtiness, or thought nothing of it?  When maintenance folk enter your home on a work call, are they disgusted by the mustard color I chose for my accent wall or pleased?  Do they look through your trash and see and empty bottle of wine and think, “my goodness, what a lush!”?  Home is physical, three dimensional picture of one’s mind.  The absurdity of a stranger poking inside my brain makes me want their job.  I’m jealous.

My mind is vacant, and I am at a loss for structuring an intelligent post. My mind is dwelling within it’s random place bringing forth a string of incoherent paragraphs that do not allow a structured thought process. It is maddening, yet comforting for ideas flourish when I am in this state for later elaboration. Much of this is probably due to the five foot beige walls that enclose my working quarters.

My Iphone’s Word of the Day: Acarpous- Infertile, not producing fruit.

Ironic?

My thoughts are acarpous today. J